Peeing on the Metophorical Stick

10 years ago, in the middle of the night, I peed on a pregnancy test stick.  I had had "a feeling".  You should know that I had been existing on beer and cigarettes prior to the peeing on the stick.  I was single, 26, and marginally taking care of myself.  I peed on the stick and promptly decided that it must be wrong.  Then I went out, had one last night of... well, shenanigans, woke up the next morning, peed on 14,000 more sticks and realized it was the real deal.  And then realized that everything.  EVERYTHING.  Was going to change.  Where I lived.  How I lived.  Who I lived with.  What I did for a living.  My body.  Everything.   And it did. 

10 years later The Husband and I have finally decided that it's time to change our relationship from being partners in marriage, to being partners in parenting the kiddos we brought into the world.  In other, less fancy words, we're seriously talking about divorce.   And here it goes again. 

We've told a few people.  On my side, the responses have been "well, god knows you've both tried for a really long time" and it's usually accompanied by a small sigh of Finally. 
I'm surprised by how emotional and crazy and roller-coaster this feels. For years we have both been unhappy and lonely in our marriage. We have each done things that have harmed the other. And yet, now that we are moving forward I'm petrified and ecstatic.

I'm crying a lot.  A LOT.  Which feels strange. 

Yesterday we went to create separate phone accounts.  This is great on so many levels.  And sucks because it's making it all true.

It was an Scary/Awesome Roller Coaster of Emotions that led to me bursting into gasping sobs in the AT&T store.  Fortunately our helpful lady took everything in stride.  I love her.  Thank You Ausha.  You made a crazy experience into a tolerable one. 
Here is a partial list of what I experienced in about 32 minutes:
1. For the most part I have been a housewife for the last 10 years.  My name is on virtually nothing.  I had to apply for a new account.  With a credit check.  And lots of verification of who I am.  And guess what?  I don't HAVE a  lot of verification.   Name on utility bill?   Nope.  Name on mortgage?  Nope.  Credit Card?  Nope.  Finally, luckily we did find one thing.    SCARY
2. I FINALLY will understand and have some context of my phone usage and data usage and text usage!!  Until yesterday I had no idea of our billing cycle and would randomly get texts saying that I had used 90% of my data usage, but have no context as to what that meant.  I didn't know what our plan was month to month, because The Husband took care of it.  AWESOME
3. It was horrific realizing how little I know and how little I have been a part of our money/bills/decision making/etc...  And I was full of weird rage and regret.  Regret because I am a fairly capable person.  While I know and understand why our bills and set ups were the way they were, it is a small,sad,crazy,impotent feeling when you realize you can't answer basic questions about the set up of your life.  SCARY
4. I can't wait and I'm scared to be in charge of my life.  I have asked repeatedly through the years to have a more complete understanding of our finances, for various reasons, it never happened.  SCARY/AWESOME

And it was sad.  Sad because I'm finally getting some understanding, but at this cost.  I still wish we could have worked as a team in our marriage.  And when I'm gasping for breath and grieving, I force myself to remember that I'm not grieving a marriage that was healthy and working.  I'm grieving the lost dreams of our marriage. 

Today was day one.  And I lived through it.  And just like peeing on a stick and getting horrifically overwhelmed by everything you don't know and you wonder howintheworldwillIpossiblyDOTHIS?  You do it one thing at a time.  Yeah, I'm going to have to re-learn how to do most things, just like I did when I had a babe-in-arms.  I didn't know how to be a mom or take care of a family.   I had to learn it.  And now I'll have to learn this too.  In my sad and feeling weak times, I can remember this.  I've done it before.  I can do it again.