My Prayers

my prayers are not the


quiet

bowed head

focused

silent

murmuring prayers.

my prayers are not

sit.

butt in chair.

eyes lowered.

meditative prayers.

My prayers feel LOUD.

disjointed

jerky

scattered.

post it note prayers.

My prayers are interrupted

by wiggly, whispery

children.

Draw the Dot Game children

what is Hospice? children

Ants in the Pants children

I’m hungry.

Bored.

LOUD children.

SHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

We’re trying to pray!!

the quiet prayers.

the formal prayers.

Dear god I have sinned

prayers.

The flower prayers.

The checklist for santa. I mean god prayers.

I’m grateful for… Can I please have…?

No wait.

I really am grateful. for real this time.

So. And….

Can you

please

heal. soothe. cure. miracle. cleanse. comfort.

IF of course it is your will.

if of course I got it just right.

the right amount of humble.

reverence.

self-deprecation.

gratitude.

my eyes are closed and I am still prayers.

my prayers ARE NOT THESE PRAYERS.

I don’t want to close my eyes.

my voice.

to murmur my hopes. fears. grief. joy.

for when I bow my head

close my eyes

I don’t see god.

I see.

my jr. high principal.

my dad

authority god.

serenity god.

long white beard god.

long white robe god.

and I know.

I’m not submissive enough

quiet enough

still enough

my grammar is not good enough

to pray those prayers.

My prayers

(when I’m honest)

are wide eyed.

hungry.

Wild.

Orange.

Passionate.

scared

My prayers ROAR

and rush my eardrums

beat my heart

make me crazy.

grief stricken.

vulnerable.

teary.

My prayers have no form

they lack structure

lack respect

they are selfish

my prayers are messy

My prayers call

GOD.

GOD.

GOD.

I scream:

How can I

Begin.

To.

Be.

In.

A.

Time.

Of.

Prayer?

if prayer means

quiet

focused

bowed head.

silent

murmuring?