Monday, December 11th, 2006
We had joined the gym 2 months previously. I had high cholesterol and I was hoping to bring it down through diet and exercise. I hoped that The Husband and I would work out together. He had expressed a desire to be fit, and I was excited to try and have this be something we could share.
I was upstairs at the gym and I was drinking water while working out on the elliptical machine. And my water tasted funny. I remember looking at the bottle and wondering “huh?”. I thought almost nothing else about it other than a quick mental note to toss the water bottle.
Then that night I had the worst headache I have ever had. Terrible. I was lying on the couch begging my husband to rub my head. It hurt so much.
Tuesday, December 12th
The next morning I woke up and felt weird. Nothing was different yet. I felt odd though. I asked The Husband to call me in an hour or so just to double check on me. Just in case I was on the floor. It was a joke, barely though, because I felt scared. I really felt odd inside and didn’t quite know what was. Something was off though.
We run errands – First The Kiddo Doctor - I don't remember why. Next Target. We’re trying to get things done – we leave for Illinois on the 18th. My grandpa is dying and we need to get home.
Next thing I know I’m in the parking lot of Target. I don’t remember now if I went in or not. I notice that something doesn’t quite feel right on the left side of my face. My eyelid doesn’t seem to be shutting all the way. And my mouth isn’t smiling quite right. It’s barely noticeable though. But I start to freak out. I call The Husband and ask him to Google “having a stroke” because I’m scared. Then I call MaryQuite and she says “OMG I just saw a show on this. You probably have bell’s palsy”
What? I’ve never even heard of such a thing. I call the doctor and get an appt for later that afternoon.
I get home. I do a search on Bell’s Palsy. I don’t want to read too much, it’s scary and unknown.
My next door neighbor takes me to the doctor. I’m too scared to drive.
I remember it was dark. It couldn’t have been too late in the day, but by the time the doctor saw me it was dark outside. I felt such gratitude to my next door neighbor. Both kids were with us.
I am prescribed Prednisone and an anti-viral medication. The doctor says it shouldn’t be that big of a deal. I want to believe her. And I don’t know what to expect next. I ask about eye problems (I had read that it can be an issue) she downplayed it all.
I can’t talk to my mom about this. My mom is my best friend. Not talking to her feels like lying to her.
She is consumed with the family in Illinois and the impending death of my grandfather.
The following days…
Are a blur and a nightmare. Every day my face becomes more statue like. My eyelid will no longer shut on its own. I purchase eye drops, eye masks, whatever I hope will provide relief. I’m exhausted and I’m trying not to scare the kids. We talk about how Mommy’s face is sick and has a sickness.
I go to a UMW Christmas Celebration and cannot eat. To eat is grotesque. It’s difficult to chew and swallow and keep food inside my mouth. I tear up and feel helpless.
High Lights: I go to buy some cute cat eye glasses to minimize the effect the paralysis has had. The woman behind the counter says she’s had Bell’s Palsy twice. TWICE. Dear god. She’s fine now. I have some hope.
I get a new hair cut that looks lovely.
A random friend (one that is not that close, obviously closer than I realize however) brings me the loveliest Christmas basket ever. And smiles at me.
My lavender rice pillow. Heated up and placed on my face. That is how I slept every night. The weight kept my eyelid closed and the heat helped the tension in my face. It was a lifesaver.
Lows: My personal life is beyond horrific. While we’re all grateful I’m not dying, my husband has holed up with his fears and left me hanging. I realize that he never called me the day that I started to feel strange. I feel abandoned and frightened. I try not to think about the stories I’ve read where people live for the rest of their lives with this. Or months. Or for years. YEARS.
Finally I call my mom. I have to tell her, I’m sure at this point she thinks I’m pregnant. I’ve been telling her how tired I am and how strange life is right now. I finally let her know and tell her not to worry. There’s nothing that can be additionally done. And I’m going to be fine. (I try and believe it too)
The plane ride to Illinois is a nightmare. The kids and I are alone. Due to my eyelid not closing the air from the plane dries out my vision and I’m so so so tired. Fighting the infection in my body is exhausting. Changing planes is truly an ordeal and I’m all alone. The kids are so little. My grandpa has died on the day we fly. That is okay. That part wasn’t the bad part. We knew he was going to be dying and I didn’t expect that I would get to see him again. We had already said our goodbyes.
Time in Illinois
Oh god. To see people I haven’t seen in years at the memorial. We joked at the irony of being in shape and looking so great and then POW! Getting the Bell’s.
Riding the combine at the John Deere Museum. This was also the year of the super cute Guatemalan jackets for the kiddos and for me.
My brother, lovingly teasing me and saying “It’s not so bad until you smile or laugh” and then making me smile and laugh.
The year of the felt nativity and the blue aardvark.
And then the worst happened.
I saw a man that I have known since I was a child. He had something happen to him in his youth – I don’t even know what it was. The effect however, was that his face was permanently frozen. I realized I couldn’t bare to be around him, next to him. I couldn’t bare for anyone to think I was like him. And then I realized I couldn’t bare my callousness. It was horrifying to realize that I was mortified.
Gradually, in about 6 weeks the worst was over.
Every day though, seeing if it was worse, or if there was any improvement. Always wondering Will this be the morning I wake up and it’s better?
Sometimes when I’m very very tired I can feel twinges. Or if I’d had too much too drink. I worry about stress. Which is counterproductive….. I’m scared that I’ll get it again. Although it’s unlikely.
Benefits:
I didn’t drink during this time – between the holidays and the high emotions from Pop’s dying, it’s better that I didn’t. I would have had a difficult time abstaining though if it hadn’t been for the Bell’s. The idea of my face being frozen AND being drunk was to horrifying to bear. So, that probably worked out for the best.
I learned some challenging “truths” for myself. Some I am still figuring out and learning.
My husband had his world shaken. It was a powerful reckoning for him to have this happen to me.
