my prayers are not the
quiet
bowed head
focused
silent
murmuring prayers.
my prayers are not
sit.
butt in chair.
eyes lowered.
meditative prayers.
My prayers feel LOUD.
disjointed
jerky
scattered.
post it note prayers.
My prayers are interrupted
by wiggly, whispery
children.
Draw the Dot Game children
what is Hospice? children
Ants in the Pants children
I’m hungry.
Bored.
LOUD children.
SHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!
We’re trying to pray!!
the quiet prayers.
the formal prayers.
Dear god I have sinned
prayers.
The flower prayers.
The checklist for santa. I mean god prayers.
I’m grateful for… Can I please have…?
No wait.
I really am grateful. for real this time.
So. And….
Can you
please
heal. soothe. cure. miracle. cleanse. comfort.
IF of course it is your will.
if of course I got it just right.
the right amount of humble.
reverence.
self-deprecation.
gratitude.
my eyes are closed and I am still prayers.
my prayers ARE NOT THESE PRAYERS.
I don’t want to close my eyes.
my voice.
to murmur my hopes. fears. grief. joy.
for when I bow my head
close my eyes
I don’t see god.
I see.
my jr. high principal.
my dad
authority god.
serenity god.
long white beard god.
long white robe god.
and I know.
I’m not submissive enough
quiet enough
still enough
my grammar is not good enough
to pray those prayers.
My prayers
(when I’m honest)
are wide eyed.
hungry.
Wild.
Orange.
Passionate.
scared
My prayers ROAR
and rush my eardrums
beat my heart
make me crazy.
grief stricken.
vulnerable.
teary.
My prayers have no form
they lack structure
lack respect
they are selfish
my prayers are messy
My prayers call
GOD.
GOD.
GOD.
I scream:
How can I
Begin.
To.
Be.
In.
A.
Time.
Of.
Prayer?
if prayer means
quiet
focused
bowed head.
silent
murmuring?
Wednesday, August 22, 2012
Tuesday, July 17, 2012
Last night I had a dream about my husband.
And it was so nice. Like really nice.
He smiled at me. And wanted to kiss me, and wanted to be in love with me. I looked at him with open honest desire. And still in my dream asked him if this is what he wanted to do. He leaned into me and said Yes.
I woke up sad and aching.
And then remembered that He Doesn't Actually Look At Me That Way. that's just the way I would like to looked at.
Over and over I remind myself that I'm not grieving our actual relationship. Because our actual relationship was not healthy and full. I'm grieving the wanting of our relationship.
He smiled at me. And wanted to kiss me, and wanted to be in love with me. I looked at him with open honest desire. And still in my dream asked him if this is what he wanted to do. He leaned into me and said Yes.
I woke up sad and aching.
And then remembered that He Doesn't Actually Look At Me That Way. that's just the way I would like to looked at.
Over and over I remind myself that I'm not grieving our actual relationship. Because our actual relationship was not healthy and full. I'm grieving the wanting of our relationship.
Saturday, July 14, 2012
The Dog. Or in my real mind... The Dawg.
I'm from the midwest. My dad drove an El Camino and my brother and I remember road-trips where we sat behind the seats with the car jack and our snoopy sleeping bags. We had a dawg dog named Lickety Split. One year my family had hogs and it was my brother's turn to name them before we slaughtered them... He named them after me and my childhood BFF (They were delicious). My first job (other than babysitting when I was like 10 - please note that the idea of my 9 year old babysitting another child in a year IS TERRIFYING. And I was taking toddlers on my mom's bike - she had a babyseat on the back of her ADULT bike that I would borrow to transport another CHILD. Made out of barbed wire flimsy plastic. - when I was like 11). I digress.
My first job was as a corn detassler.
Most people at this point say "Wha?"
And I say "yes."
So the last time I had a dog. Well. It's almost never. I mean... My family had Lickety Split (let's be honest. It was my Dad's Dog. Not mine. Not the family's). Then later we had a little Bichon (and I will punch anyone in throat who dares to say she was not a "real" dog. I mean really.) But again... Not my dog. I can promise you (and my mother will READILY agree that I never did ANYTHING to help take care of that dog. ANYTHING). In my lame defense, I don't think I was the driving force in getting that dog. FYI.
But now. NOW. Guess who has a dog?
A real dog. (sort of. I mean. It's a terrier. Still smallish. I will still gladly punch anyone in the throat who disagrees. And while we're talking about punching people in the throat - what a fabulous visual that is! Don't you agree? So violent. So concise! I doubt I could ever follow through, but with a toss out threat like that, you certainly don't want to find out do you? Much better than "ooooooh. stop it or I'll do something... eh.... oohhhh." I am not a fan of bullying btw. I am a fan of descriptive foreshadowing however)
So we have a dog!
And today the dog got a bath. Because the dog had rolled around in chicken poop. Because we have chickens, and the door to the chickens was left open. And the chickens got out and pooped on the back deck. And the dog - who loves to roll around in chicken poop obviously - got poop ALL AROUND his neck.
The real irony of this is that I havemeant, been planning, threatening, been thinking about giving the dog a bath for several days now. The chicken poop sent me over the edge, having me grab for the big red party bucket and my 2 piece in a matter of minutes.
Equipped with the red bucket and some homemade oatmeal dog shampoo (I am not making this up. Welcome to my world. I do shit like make my own dog shampoo. I swear I'm fun to be with though. SWEAR) I wash the dog. And FREAKING laugh that I'm washing my dawg, in some daisy duke swimmy shorts because the dog rolled in chicken poop.
You can take the girl outta the country...... But she'll make some ho-made dog shampoo.....
My first job was as a corn detassler.
Most people at this point say "Wha?"
And I say "yes."
So the last time I had a dog. Well. It's almost never. I mean... My family had Lickety Split (let's be honest. It was my Dad's Dog. Not mine. Not the family's). Then later we had a little Bichon (and I will punch anyone in throat who dares to say she was not a "real" dog. I mean really.) But again... Not my dog. I can promise you (and my mother will READILY agree that I never did ANYTHING to help take care of that dog. ANYTHING). In my lame defense, I don't think I was the driving force in getting that dog. FYI.
But now. NOW. Guess who has a dog?
A real dog. (sort of. I mean. It's a terrier. Still smallish. I will still gladly punch anyone in the throat who disagrees. And while we're talking about punching people in the throat - what a fabulous visual that is! Don't you agree? So violent. So concise! I doubt I could ever follow through, but with a toss out threat like that, you certainly don't want to find out do you? Much better than "ooooooh. stop it or I'll do something... eh.... oohhhh." I am not a fan of bullying btw. I am a fan of descriptive foreshadowing however)
So we have a dog!
And today the dog got a bath. Because the dog had rolled around in chicken poop. Because we have chickens, and the door to the chickens was left open. And the chickens got out and pooped on the back deck. And the dog - who loves to roll around in chicken poop obviously - got poop ALL AROUND his neck.
The real irony of this is that I have
Equipped with the red bucket and some homemade oatmeal dog shampoo (I am not making this up. Welcome to my world. I do shit like make my own dog shampoo. I swear I'm fun to be with though. SWEAR) I wash the dog. And FREAKING laugh that I'm washing my dawg, in some daisy duke swimmy shorts because the dog rolled in chicken poop.
You can take the girl outta the country...... But she'll make some ho-made dog shampoo.....
Thursday, July 12, 2012
Peeing on the Metophorical Stick
10 years ago, in the middle of the night, I peed on a pregnancy test stick. I had had "a feeling". You should know that I had been existing on beer and cigarettes prior to the peeing on the stick. I was single, 26, and marginally taking care of myself. I peed on the stick and promptly decided that it must be wrong. Then I went out, had one last night of... well, shenanigans, woke up the next morning, peed on 14,000 more sticks and realized it was the real deal. And then realized that everything. EVERYTHING. Was going to change. Where I lived. How I lived. Who I lived with. What I did for a living. My body. Everything. And it did.
10 years later The Husband and I have finally decided that it's time to change our relationship from being partners in marriage, to being partners in parenting the kiddos we brought into the world. In other, less fancy words, we're seriously talking about divorce. And here it goes again.
We've told a few people. On my side, the responses have been "well, god knows you've both tried for a really long time" and it's usually accompanied by a small sigh of Finally.
I'm surprised by how emotional and crazy and roller-coaster this feels. For years we have both been unhappy and lonely in our marriage. We have each done things that have harmed the other. And yet, now that we are moving forward I'm petrified and ecstatic.
I'm crying a lot. A LOT. Which feels strange.
Yesterday we went to create separate phone accounts. This is great on so many levels. And sucks because it's making it all true.
It was an Scary/Awesome Roller Coaster of Emotions that led to me bursting into gasping sobs in the AT&T store. Fortunately our helpful lady took everything in stride. I love her. Thank You Ausha. You made a crazy experience into a tolerable one.
Here is a partial list of what I experienced in about 32 minutes:
1. For the most part I have been a housewife for the last 10 years. My name is on virtually nothing. I had to apply for a new account. With a credit check. And lots of verification of who I am. And guess what? I don't HAVE a lot of verification. Name on utility bill? Nope. Name on mortgage? Nope. Credit Card? Nope. Finally, luckily we did find one thing. SCARY
2. I FINALLY will understand and have some context of my phone usage and data usage and text usage!! Until yesterday I had no idea of our billing cycle and would randomly get texts saying that I had used 90% of my data usage, but have no context as to what that meant. I didn't know what our plan was month to month, because The Husband took care of it. AWESOME
3. It was horrific realizing how little I know and how little I have been a part of our money/bills/decision making/etc... And I was full of weird rage and regret. Regret because I am a fairly capable person. While I know and understand why our bills and set ups were the way they were, it is a small,sad,crazy,impotent feeling when you realize you can't answer basic questions about the set up of your life. SCARY
4. I can't wait and I'm scared to be in charge of my life. I have asked repeatedly through the years to have a more complete understanding of our finances, for various reasons, it never happened. SCARY/AWESOME
And it was sad. Sad because I'm finally getting some understanding, but at this cost. I still wish we could have worked as a team in our marriage. And when I'm gasping for breath and grieving, I force myself to remember that I'm not grieving a marriage that was healthy and working. I'm grieving the lost dreams of our marriage.
Today was day one. And I lived through it. And just like peeing on a stick and getting horrifically overwhelmed by everything you don't know and you wonder howintheworldwillIpossiblyDOTHIS? You do it one thing at a time. Yeah, I'm going to have to re-learn how to do most things, just like I did when I had a babe-in-arms. I didn't know how to be a mom or take care of a family. I had to learn it. And now I'll have to learn this too. In my sad and feeling weak times, I can remember this. I've done it before. I can do it again.
10 years later The Husband and I have finally decided that it's time to change our relationship from being partners in marriage, to being partners in parenting the kiddos we brought into the world. In other, less fancy words, we're seriously talking about divorce. And here it goes again.
We've told a few people. On my side, the responses have been "well, god knows you've both tried for a really long time" and it's usually accompanied by a small sigh of Finally.
I'm surprised by how emotional and crazy and roller-coaster this feels. For years we have both been unhappy and lonely in our marriage. We have each done things that have harmed the other. And yet, now that we are moving forward I'm petrified and ecstatic.
I'm crying a lot. A LOT. Which feels strange.
Yesterday we went to create separate phone accounts. This is great on so many levels. And sucks because it's making it all true.
It was an Scary/Awesome Roller Coaster of Emotions that led to me bursting into gasping sobs in the AT&T store. Fortunately our helpful lady took everything in stride. I love her. Thank You Ausha. You made a crazy experience into a tolerable one.
Here is a partial list of what I experienced in about 32 minutes:
1. For the most part I have been a housewife for the last 10 years. My name is on virtually nothing. I had to apply for a new account. With a credit check. And lots of verification of who I am. And guess what? I don't HAVE a lot of verification. Name on utility bill? Nope. Name on mortgage? Nope. Credit Card? Nope. Finally, luckily we did find one thing. SCARY
2. I FINALLY will understand and have some context of my phone usage and data usage and text usage!! Until yesterday I had no idea of our billing cycle and would randomly get texts saying that I had used 90% of my data usage, but have no context as to what that meant. I didn't know what our plan was month to month, because The Husband took care of it. AWESOME
3. It was horrific realizing how little I know and how little I have been a part of our money/bills/decision making/etc... And I was full of weird rage and regret. Regret because I am a fairly capable person. While I know and understand why our bills and set ups were the way they were, it is a small,sad,crazy,impotent feeling when you realize you can't answer basic questions about the set up of your life. SCARY
4. I can't wait and I'm scared to be in charge of my life. I have asked repeatedly through the years to have a more complete understanding of our finances, for various reasons, it never happened. SCARY/AWESOME
And it was sad. Sad because I'm finally getting some understanding, but at this cost. I still wish we could have worked as a team in our marriage. And when I'm gasping for breath and grieving, I force myself to remember that I'm not grieving a marriage that was healthy and working. I'm grieving the lost dreams of our marriage.
Today was day one. And I lived through it. And just like peeing on a stick and getting horrifically overwhelmed by everything you don't know and you wonder howintheworldwillIpossiblyDOTHIS? You do it one thing at a time. Yeah, I'm going to have to re-learn how to do most things, just like I did when I had a babe-in-arms. I didn't know how to be a mom or take care of a family. I had to learn it. And now I'll have to learn this too. In my sad and feeling weak times, I can remember this. I've done it before. I can do it again.
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