Cat Stevens You Groovy Guy

2 years ago my heart broke in a millionbajillion seemingly unrepairable pieces. I was lost, blind and damaged. I felt numb and dangerous. The last 2 years have been an effort of clawing my out from the never ending horror of pain that I felt.

No one understood. After all, I had these beautiful daughters. I had this roof over my head. I've never known hunger. I had a husband who not only puts up with me, but is a generally nice guy. He doesn't beat me, nor does he throw me under the bus verbally (publicly or privately). God How Selfish Am I? I have a ring on my finger. I have EVERYTHING. And I'm sad? Whatever. Get over yourself.

I tried.

I tried fasting, cleanses, therapy, God, isolation, never-ending socializing, retreats. I poured my time into activities, I volunteered, I studied. I taught, traveled, and I thought about suicide every day. I tried to keep gratitude in my heart. Count my blessings over and over and over again. I practiced mindfulness. I took antidepressants. I stopped taking antidepressants. I threw dishes. I prayed. I begged. I curled up every night not understanding why. I would wake up wondering why. Why I had to get through another day. Thinking that this is what my life would be like till it was finally, blessedly, over.

I lost months of my life to depression. I look at my kids now and I wonder where in the heck I was, and then I remember, oh right. Depression. Stolen months of my children's childhood that I don't remember because I was barely functioning.

Bit by bit the last few months I've felt like a baby learning to walk again. Bumping into things, but standing. Albeit on shaky legs, still though, reaching out, and tentatively smiling and then grimacing and then wailing and doing it all over again.

And the last few weeks.... Something has really shifted. The despair isn't there anymore. I go hunting for it emotionally sometimes, a bit of a poke in the familiar places. Like fussing with a bruise. OW! That hurts.... And you touch it again. Its not there though. The OW! is gone. The vast empty places aren't there. I'm not sure if they have been filled up... I know they aren't there anymore though.

Turns out time was the thing that really helped. Big Surprise, no?. People told me time would help take the edge off and I didn't, no, couldn't believe them.

So I'm listening to Cat Stevens today - Wild World - and I can sing along. I don't wrap up tightly in despair. I mishear (or perhaps heard what I needed) the lyric of "Baby I'm grievin'" and instead hear "Baby I'm breathin'" and I realize that Yes. Baby I'm breathin'.

Better than breathin'.. Singing.