Last night I had a dream about my husband.

And it was so nice.  Like really nice. 

He smiled at me.  And wanted to kiss me, and wanted to be in love with me.  I looked at him with open honest desire.  And still in my dream asked him if this is what he wanted to do.  He leaned into me and said Yes. 

I woke up sad and aching.

And then remembered that He Doesn't Actually Look At Me That Way.  that's just the way I would like to looked at. 

Over and over I remind myself that I'm not grieving our actual  relationship.  Because our actual relationship was not healthy and full.  I'm grieving the wanting of our relationship.