scared and PISSED

Tonight I came home after teaching a class.  The Husband and I chatted a bit about our kids (kid 1 - roller derby.  kid 2 - not too annoying at roller derby.  Cupcakes for all).  Chatted about the class.  We made martinis.  (I love drinking a martini after teaching.  I don't know why) and then we watched an episode of our latest netflix obsession: Carnivale.  We're not sure if we like it or not  BTW.

After the episode (and it's getting kinda late - like 10:30 cuz we are old now) we chat a bit about the episode.  Then he leans his head back on the couch.  Me too.  Feeling cozy.  And I say "hey what's up" and he says "How long are we going to do this?" 

I'm in shock and disbelief.  I'm angry.  (no surprise says him.  I'm always angry) I can't believe it.  He's unhappy.  He thinks we should do something different.  He is surprised at my surprise. 

ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME? 

NOW?  Now he gets it?  Now that we have settled into something that looks like something we can work on?  Now he's thinking "Gosh.  He's unhappy.  How long are we going to do this for?"

I feel like we have time warped. 

We have a conversation about something I said.  And how if my presentation would have been better, more compassionate...  He tells me how he played this out with his therapist and I'm acting exactly like he predicted I would.  I asked what the therapist said then... His response "he said, maybe we're just not good together"

ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME?

Did I make up the last few years?  Am I crazy?  I brought up our conversations in couples therapy where I was saying the same things...  but when I say them, I'm out of line, or not trying hard enough, or not giving it a chance.  But now he thinks these things... And now, now they will happen. 

I'm scared.  I'm scared I'm losing my mind.  I'm scared I'm going to lose my kids.  I'm scared that now, now that I've been on some more solid ground, the rug is getting pulled out from under me - and that I'm going to be told that it's my fault.  And I'm going to go back to that awful place of depression just when I've gotten out. 

And I'm pissed.  Pissed that we only ever get here when HE GETS IT.  And I let it happen again and again and again.